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| With in a few hours of being confined to our new cells, we managed to link back up using the Communication Wells. The jail cell was early similar to my bathroom from my apartment, I could only imagine what the other four were sitting in. No one had weapons, after all we did have to check them when we entered the palace.
I had gotten wind that one of the new Waves had created a device that could show Faith, the actual Threads of Faith that inhabit each creature, holding them to life. Part of me got worried because if they could be revealed, then what else could happen with them. Another part of me wanted to know if I really had lost my Faith, because I felt very empty; a sense of loneliness that I hadn't felt sense before the Awakening. I found it, but it was in a place that we had never been; Tabula. This was a Wave deep behind the newly defined enemy lines. After convincing the leaders of Centra and Deep Core to give me the Ariel and crew to discover the truth of this device.
I, of course, convinced them of the harm this could possibly hold for the other Waves, but mostly I wanted to go for myself. It took some time to travel out there, this was the first mission for the Ariel Fleet; I was flying with greens. The ship is basically a small child and telling it to do Leaps is like telling that child to run a mile in under two minutes. Luckily it is able to increase its power quickly to handle the stress.
By the time we had arrived, it seemed that there was some type of war going on. I ordered that the attacking units leave the planet luckily only a few shots had to be fired before the left. We were asked to come down to receive thanks but instead were double crossed. Now we were in some type of living jail cells; the walls would reform after being destroyed, and seemed to be looping on themselves. One shot through the wall would bring it through the wall across from it and keep going till the wall would close up.
Using the C.W.s EchoCast and Status we had everything set up, but no way out... no weapons and no Grey to fall back on. I had been racking my brain trying to think of something, and i just kept coming back to the same thing... the Tear Drop. I had been holding it in my hand for a while, but remember the last time we used it; Rashido warned me not to ever do it alone. But he wasn't here, and I was out of options.
"Guys, I will be right back," I radioed the team.
"Wait, what?" I heard back from Reese. I smashed the vial against my chest; I could feel the could liquid seem into my chest and start flowing through my veins. With in seconds the room started melting away as I was shot across the Dreaming Tree and placed in front of an alter; with the Fourteen standing behind it.
I slowly stood up and bowed in deep reverent form, "I apologize for..." they all cut me off and spoke in unison.
"Traitor!"
...End Transmission...
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| i am sitting on my love seat, tears in my eyes scared of my own actions. I hadn't felt this way in a long time, abandoned... emotionally and spiritually. I don't think God is answering right now, kind of a 'brb' type of deal... no one has understood my faith, no one was every there to question or ask... no one really seemed to be involved in what i was doing, more of... 'or your doing that? cool this is what i'm doing...' I go to bed with the same hallowed shell of feeling alive that i wake up with. My own family says i should get a life coach... meaning to me that they don't understand what my problems are and think someone else should do it. they keep thinking that its so simple to get a job or do something and when i tell them it doesn't work like that, its like they just give up on trying to understand. the more adult i try to be the more i want to throw myself out of a window... this is not the existence i want to be confined too. 'maybe you should get a life coach'... maybe you should try the fuck to actually know what i am going through. i think that is the second biggest slap in the face, my own parents suggesting this to me. The other joke i love hearing is how proud they are of me having my college degree... yeah cause this has brought me smiles and accomplishment, oh yeah sarcasm. the only thing i have gotten sense i have left college is sallie may telling me that i own them money, thanks... i am going to owe you money for a long time so calling me isn't going to help. 'Love finds you when you aren't looking for it...' if anyone fucking tells me that again i am going to start slashing my wrist, every time to prove that one, everyone says that, and two it hasn't worked for two years why should i expect it to now? First i gave up when erica left... so jessie came along and ended that in two months. then just recently rachelle comes along and we don't go any further then friends... so if love is out there, i hope its busy bleeding to death in a fucking ditch... that is the only excuse i would accept from it now.
i was talking to dad on the phone, that always puts my life into perspective... trying to tell someone that you feel abandoned and they don't seem to get it. I lied and said i was going to bed, but i just wanted to get away from my window... for the first time i really wanted to just drop out. 'you some times have to suffer to understand the point' everyday i am suffering. everyday i go to bed after having spent the whole day in my room because i am too broke to do something, everyday i wake up only to have the words, 'what are you waking up for' echoed back in my mind... yeah i know what suffering is. when you find you have become the person that is existing because you k now how to breath and follow a few simple commands you learned as a child.
i don't know what is the point of typing this, i keep up on how many readers i have, and i know no answers are going to come back; proving that the nothing mentioned above, is what my life has become.
Jah Bless
~Colin
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Alright... $100 down... $2300 to go
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Yes, I am back. It took what, almost two years to get my xanga back. It worked; and the story will continue.
~Jah Blessings and Love
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Name: Fool To Think
Artist: Dave Matthews Band
Album: Everyday
Song lyrics
"Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly
I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you only, hold me…
Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I fool to think at all?
I've grown tired of love
You are the trouble with me
I watch you walk right by
I smile, you do not notice me
Treat me recklessly
All you do is toss me pennies
But the silence in me is screaming
Won't you come and get me?
Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?
Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?
You make a mess of me
I'd dance a thousand steps for you
If you say yes to me
I'll be whatever gets you through
You make a mess of me here (was I a fool?)
I'd dance a thousand steps for you (was I a fool?)
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?
Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?"
Yes, I am.
With night that are filled with nightmares and bad dreams; days that are filled with regrets and wishes, life is just so hard. I dream the dreams of a man whose life is going the way he wants, no mistakes are made and things that just keep on going correct. My life, sadly, is the life of a person who asks to much of other people, pushes to hard for what he wants until they are gone, and lies awake at night completely aware of all the mistakes made; past and present, but not aware of how to do anything about it.
Did I come home for the right reasons, should I just have stayed back in Chicago? Would my life be best lived if someone else was in control? Do I fear sleeping so much that I try not to?
I had a dream last night, it played out just like a movie: I was talking to Liz on the phone and she was happy and I was happy. We were making plans to go and see “The Omen” at night together and it was great. I woke up, feeling worse then I did before I went to sleep. Sadly that is not how it plays out, I pushed to hard for something (keep it clean you dirty thinkers) and yeah, kind of blew up in my face, and I fear that I can’t change it or do anything to correct it. Nothing else is needed to be said because it is my problem and I… yeah.
The night before I had a dream that I met a person at the festival that I had been talking to online and we became friends. Again I woke up to the realization that that will not happen and probably never will. Again my own fault because I ask for to much instead of excepting things how they are for face value. Again my insecurities do not allow for such a positive way of thinking.
Maybe coming home was a mistake; maybe I should have stayed in Chicago. That would have been easier, to just keep pushing on with my life and just focus on doing things to possibly make a future, but when I look into the future I see to far and see my Hell waiting and growing larger with each day that passes by, each tick of the clock. My Hell is formed by my selfishness, my wanting to please myself before putting others in front of my own needs. This post, most of then, are examples of this. Wanting so much from people to help me, instead of helping myself, “I am a waste of the flesh on my bones, I am a waste of the air in my lungs”. Very wise people once said that the worst kind of hate a person can have, is the hate for themselves; if this statement is correct, then I am the worst person that there is. I have physically accepted myself, but mentally I have not. I mean yes I do wish to be a little bit smaller in width physically but I mean that is not uncommon. I wish to be better off mentally.
Is it wrong to want to be with someone so bad, if not is it wrong then to be with them to forget about ones self? When others are around I don’t focus on myself I think about the other person. But why, I make them happy and that makes me happy? That doesn’t make sense. I wish I could be struck down by God right now to have the answers I seek, but instead I live on. Day in and day out, always asking questions and pushing for an answer that some can’t give, and some that don’t know how to say it.
What do I do, I want to be friends but I end up just pushing the person away more. I feel awkward calling and I feel out of place texting the person. I like to hang out, but at the same time I get disappointed when it doesn’t go right (for me). I have gotten over the anger part, but I still feel strongly and want to spend time, but I never have the opportunity or the means to have anything done about it. Am I just wrong in wanting to hang out, or am I out of place trying to add something to my life and possibly the other person of which I speak. Maybe I should just give up and quit while I am a head and move on, but I can’t. I want to do this and I want to spend some time with the other person, hang out, movies, friends, ETC. But nothing ever works. I don’t know.
Maybe I am a fool at life; maybe I am just not cut out for the role that has been dealt to me. Does anyone know the role that God has written to them? I would like to know the answers, but know at the same time I will not get them and asking for them only causes problems.
Recently I have gotten in a fight with a friend, Paige, and am lost as to what I am supposed to do. I feel conflicted, the friendship is very important, but yet at the same time I know that in the long run fighting is also useless because life is so short, a blink of the eye from Jah above, if that and it is all over. I want to work it out, but don’t know how to go about doing anything to resolve what is going on. I feel lost at that also. Tonight I will probably dream that things are fine, that we are hanging out, laughing and enjoying the friendship that we have had for a while, and I will wake up knowing that that is not the case at the moment, depressing me even more.
I want to hang out with friends; I want to be with the people that I care about (some more then others, hopefully she knows I am referring to her (and it isn’t Paige at the moment)). I don’t know, just to many questions with no answers and a feeling that I have lost the battle of life with myself.
On a smaller note, my Xanga has been hacked and I have no way of changing the background, the tag lines or anything like that. However my laptop is storing the cookies that allow me to kind of be logged in so I can post entries and mess around with contact information. But, I cannot change anything because it is asking me again for a login password and I don’t know what it is. If anyone has an idea of contacting Xanga (I have been trying for more then a week now) then please let me know how. Krakan@msn.com.
This has been added also, so yeah:
Leave your name and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my favorite memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours.
…End Transmission…
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